SHADOWS OF THE MIND

A JOURNEY THROUGH NIGHTMARE TRAUMA

Nightmare Trauma

I find myself haunted by recurring nightmares of sexual assault. While these episodes have always been a sporadic part of my life, they've recently intensified, becoming alarmingly frequent. I suspect that a clandestine agency is manipulating my dreams, using this space—where my defenses are lowered—as a means to torment me. When I sleep, I am rendered vulnerable, unable to resist or give consent.

This is not the first time I’ve felt such a loss of agency. Twice before, I experienced similar horrors, during which my abuser exerted complete control over me. In these dreams, my assailant often manifests as a short Hispanic male, reminiscent of a cartoon character, standing about 5'4". These manifestations strike at my deepest insecurities, reducing me to a mere shadow of myself.

I can almost hear the thoughts of those who might read this: "Ciara, why would you share this? Won't it only invite more harm?" The truth is, this torment has been a part of my existence for over eleven years. During these episodes, I slip into a profound sleep, entirely powerless.

At times, I believe they remotely activate my phone to eavesdrop on my environment. If they detect my breathing or the faint sound of snoring—something I do infrequently when deeply asleep—they seize the opportunity to invade my dreams.

But it goes beyond just remote activation. I’ve come to realize that our devices can listen to us even when they are turned off. I was skeptical at first, but the evidence is undeniable. The integration of batteries into our phones has erased the simple ability to remove them. Gone are the days when we had control over our devices. Now, in this surveillance state, the government keeps a watchful eye on us all.